Rurouni Kenshin Outakes, and Other Randomness!
by Burnt Up Old Sausage
Summary: AUUGH! I have finally completed it! Kudos to all reviewers, you guys all rock! Insanity insues in chapter 3, for which Outtakes is quite a misnomer... more of random gibberish produced by a hyperactive Shishio fan... Ehe, read and review, de gozaru!
1. Oro, I dunno what to call it

Rurouni Kenshin Outtakes:

(A couple I made up when I was very bored. And, as you know if you have read anything else I write, a bored Crispy is _never _a good thing. NEVER. (attempts to hide pudding-launching-gun) hehe… n.n")

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(Scene where Yahiko runs up to grab Kenshin's wallet)

Yahiko: YAAAAHH!!

(crashes into Kaoru, knocks her over side of bridge. Jin-e is waiting below.)  
Yahiko: Oooops…

Jin-e: I can SEE it now, Battousai! I see that this girl is your… Battousai? Where the hell are you??

Director: Yahiko, let's try this again. Kenshin, help Jin-e get his boat back into position. Jin-e… what the crap are you doing here, anyway?? You don't appear for about another month… -.-" Let's just try this again…

(Scene from above, take two)

Yahiko: YAAAAHH!

(grabs Kenshin's wallet)

Yahiko: Hwaaa???? O.O (Several coupons for Hot Topic fall out, Kenshin is oro'ing all over the place, Kaoru is staring.)

Kaoru: So **THAT **explains the pink gi… and the long, red hair… and the-

Kenshin: IT'S **_NOT PINK!!!!_** (Starts spasmodically twitching, and hitting Kaoru with a bokken)  
Kaoru: ORO… (Swirly eyes)

Yahiko: …

Director: …………..Well, that makes for a change of pace… OH WELL, MOVING ON!! (Thankfully) -.-"

(Scene where Sano is gambling with Kenshin. (Right before Megumi comes in))

Kenshin: Snake eyes… evens.

(Sano throws the dice. Suddenly, Megumi runs in.)  
Megumi: You've got to help me!!

(She runs in, trips, and Sake goes flying. Sano ignores the future love of his life, and dives after all of the free Sake.)  
Sano: SAKE!!!!!

Megumi: Hello-o-o-o…. (Getting very angry)

Kenshin: So, uh, (keeps snatching glances at Sake bottles rolling about on the floor.)

Kenshin: Saaaakeee….

Director: CUT, **CUT!!** Kenshin, you're supposed to hate Sake! And Megumi, watch your feet! SANO!! Stop chugging Sake, we need that for the next scene!

Sano: (sniffle) ; . ;

Hiko: Did somebody say, SAKE??!

Director: sigh….

(Scene where Shishio is bathing in the Onsen. (Hot spring) WHOA, I skipped ahead a whole bunch… n.n")

Shishio: So, the destruction of that village was only-

Kenshin: **WAIT, MISS KAORU! SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER—**WHAT THE SHIT??

Shishio: What the crap?! Battousai, what the Hell are you doing here?!?!

(Shishio stands up and grabs his mugenjin.)

Yumi: ((0.0))

Director: (shielding her eyes) **OKAY, OKAY, _ENOUGH!_** Kenshin, learn your cues! Yumi, stop staring!! (Yumi: (pouts) ; . ;) Shishio… get back in the water!! (PLEASE!)

(Scene where Jin-e stabs himself)  
Jin-e: Remember, Battousai. A manslayer is a manslayer until the day he dies…

(He continues to bleed to death.)

Director: WOW, I can't believe it! That actually WORKED for once! Amazing job! …Wait a sec… lens was shut… Crap. Jin-e, kill yourself again . This time, _on tape._

Jin-e: …

(Offstage, the rest of the villains are laughing.)

**Stuff the Ruroken Characters would NEVER SAY!! **(Very overused idea, I know! n.n")

**Kenshin**:

Ayame, Suzume, find yourself a new playmate.

Miss Kaoru, I _Hate_ your cooking! Where the crud do you _get_ your recipes??!

Well, let's see, about my past… well, I'll tell you everything! Let's see…

The strong will live, the weak will die.

On second thought, Jin-e, I'll just let her suffocate.

Okina-chan!!

**I HATE LAUNDRY!!**

Hey, Kaoru, you busu!

**Kaoru:**

Maybe you're right, I _am _ugly…

HI, MEGUMI, my BESTEST FRIEND in all the WORLD!!

Yahiko, let's call off you swordsmanship lessons for today. You look like you should spend the rest of the day off!

Maybe I _am_ a terrible chef… let's all go to the Akabeko, instead!

Marry me, Saito!

(sing-song voice) KENSHIN's a SCARFACE, KENSHIN's a SCARFACE! n.n

**Sojiro:**

I'm depressed.

(happy tears) I just feel so… loved!

Oh, to hell with an ideology! Who needs one?!

I HATE EVERYBODY.

Oh, I'd better watch my caffeine intake…

That's it! No more pastries for _me!_ I'll just give them to Saizuchi! n.n

On second thought, I'll keep the wakizashi.

(starts rapping, and imitating Eminem.0.o) (I really hate Eminem,by the way… he sucks!)

**Shishio:**

Perhaps the Battousai has a point… killing is _wrong!_

I just **love **the Meiji government! n.n

Yumi, I hate you! Drop dead!

Kamatari, you're lookin' SEXY!!

(panicking) OH, NO!! What's-gonna-happen,-what's-gonna-happen, GAA, I'm so stressed out!!!!!

Houji, you're the best sidekick an evil genius could ever hope for.

POCKY!!

Coffee is bad for your teeth!

Oops, I'd better watch out! It's been 15 minutes… Himura, can I take a break?

Usui, be my friend!! n.n

I **love** pudding!! n.n

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Crispy: Well, that was pretty pathetic, I must admit… oh well. Review? Kudasai?

Shishio: You know, those weren't funny. At all.

Sojiro: And what's wrong with my caffeine intake??

Usui: I really don't see any point at all among _any_ of these. Seriously.

Crispy: … ........ oh well. Hey, if you guys don't get mad at me, free candy! And pocky!!

Shishio: WOOOOOOO!!!! n.n

(I still have no idea what pocky is… sorry… -.- please forgive Crispy? I only know that it's some kind of candylike… thing. Lol. If you could please forgive me for being so unfunny, and maybe even post in a review what pocky is, this one would be very much appreciative!! n.n I will try to post more of these, and try to be a bit funnier. Reviews? If you want me to keep going?

-Crispy, AKA Burntupoldsausage. n.n


	2. Chapter 2, still without a title

AIEE! Sorry for the late post… (meep) This one should be living up to expectations… But this one is not… please don't eat my head… It is undoubtedly just as burnt up and crispy as the rest of me…OH! By the way, thanks be to you guys for telling me what pocky is... I got some at K-mart the other day,and it was GOOD!! n.n"

**Disclaimer: This one doesn't not own not Ruroken, or else the Kenshingumi would have been subsequently smashed by the Juppongatana.**

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(Scene in Kyoto, with the Chow-Chow (near the end of volume 9))

Girl#1: How now, Chow-chow?

Girl#2: Bow wow, Chow-chow!

Yahiko: It's… some kinda foreign language!!

Shishio: RRRGGGG!! YYAAAAAAAAAAH! (runs out into middle of scene) MUST—KILL—ALL—SMALL—CUTE—ANIMALS!!!!!!!!!!DIE!!!!!!! (starts trying to attack the puppy with a rubber spatula. SPROING!)

Director: Cut, CUT! Shishio, no more caffeine before filming! That means cappuccinos, too! (Shishio starts mumbling darkly) _And give me that spatula!_ (thinking: Were rubber spatulas even available back then…? 0.o)

(Scene from above, take 2!)

Girl#1: How now, Chow-chow?

Girl#2: Bow wow, Chow-chow!

Yahiko: It's… some kinda foreign language!!

Girl#1: Chinese, to be exact! The chow-chow is a breed of dog thoroughly native to the wilds of Mongolia, though it is possible that it originated in Siberia. This exotic animal has two unique anatomical features—its mouth and tongue are blue-black in colour, and it walks with a stilted gait, due to its virtually straight hind legs. Its Chinese name comes from _hsiung kon,_ meaning "Bear dog."

Yahiko: ((0.0))

Director: ………. Oh my GOD. Who do you think you are, some kinda _college professor?!?_ (Girl#1 takes off her cleverly designed costume, and it is revealed that she is…)

Director: MY SCIENCE TEACHER!!!! AAAAAAAHH!!!

Mrs. Mcnelly: (My **EVIL** Science Teacher) Haha, that's another F!! GWA-hahahahahahahaHA!

Director: meep. (starts running for her life from the evil science teacher)

Mrs. Mcnelly: WAHAhahahAHAHA! When was Pangaea formed? What era were the Appalachian Mountains uplifted?! _State the law of uniformitarianism!!_ (That's an actual law… (swirly eyes…))

Director: ; . ;

(Yahiko holds up a sign: **_Please stand by._**)

……

…..

….

…

(Scene where Crispy is having writer's block and…. )

...lol.

(Scene where Sano has just "learned" the "secret of the two layers" (A.K.A. Basic Futae No Kiwami)

Anji: But, that rock in your right hand…I can see you were unable to master the two layers.

Sano: Heh.

(He tosses the rock into the air, and punches it. It promptly flies off at a random angle… not too random, however, it seems, as a fairly large fragment broke off and became firmly lodged in Anji's right eye.

Sano: Oh, shit… sorry!

Anji: AAAAAaaarrrrrgh! Medic!! MEDIC!!

(Megumi appears out of a crowd of shocked onlookers)  
Megumi: Coming, Anji-chan! n.n

Sano: ((0.0)) M-Megumi?? Koishii?? ; . ;

Director: HEY, SAITO!! GET OUT HERE! WE NEED CROWD CONTROL!! (Sirens, spinning helicopter blades, etc. can be heard.)  
Usui: (Head doctor when it comes to eye injuries.) Anji!! Speak to me!! If only I could see his poor, ugly face one last time… (falls to sobbing)

Director: -.-" ……CUT! (honestly, people…)

(Scene from above, take two! n.n")

Anji: But, that rock in your right hand…I can see you were unable to master the two layers.

Sano: Dude… it's in my _left._

Anji: (seriously pissed) Well it's not like _I_ could see, Mr. Throw-Rocks-In-Your-Instructor's-Eye!!

Sano: DUDE! That was an accident!!

Anji: Why the ---- do you keep saying 'Dude,' anyways?!? Who do you think you are, some kinda -----in' _hippie?!?_

Sano: Look, Du- ummm, MONK! (-.-")Who's the one wearing a bandana and _eyeshadow?!_

Anji: What the ----?!? I'm not a dumb monk, it's _charcoal,_ and, (sniffle) I _love_ my bandana… (whine) YOU STUPID HATCHLING!!!

Saito: Dumb monk. _I'm_ the one that calls this ahou a hatchling. Read volume 8, stupid!

Anji: I'M NOT A DUMB MONK!!! …And volume 8 is my first appearance for like, 3 more volumes!! (fluffs small amount of hair that sticks out from hippie-style bandana) I couldn't force myself to miss it!! (injured sniff)

Kamatari: Well, Watsuki wrote that I get beaten by a little kid! (No offense to Watsuki-sama, but I have to say, the whole Kyoto arc was more than a little one-sided… too bad, because the Juppongatana were the best characters he ever created! n.n)

Anji: Why the Hell are _you _here, Kamatari!? You don't appear until volume 11! (I think…)

Kamatari: Why else? I came to see you get showed up by a Tori Atama! (Rooster Head)

Sojiro: Oh, _there_ you are. I've been looking for you, Anji-san. The battle is beginning. The entire Juppongatana has been summoned to Kyoto. Ohh, and by the way, Anji-san! You don't appear at _all_ in volume 8. Your first appearance is in volume 9, when that Tori Atama—

Sano: I AM NOT A TORI ATAMA!! Stupid Tenken! …And cut it out with the creepy smiling, you _freak of nature!_

(Sano gets attacked by millions of Sojiro fangirls, including the director.)

Fangirls: **_How dare you say that to Sou-chan!?! DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIEEEEE!!!!_**

Director: CUT! CUUUT!!

(All fangirls alternate between glomping Sojiro, and attacking Sano.)

Sano: Itai… ITAI!!

Sojiro: (swirly eyes)

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Crispy: OK, that was weird… But, hey! We got to bash Sano for insulting Sou-chan! That's always fun!  
Sojiro: (gasping for air, after having to Shukuchi away from _millions_ of fangirls.) Well… (gasp) I finally… (gasp) got away…

Crispy: SOU-CHAN!!! n.n

Sojiro: (swirly eyes) Here we go again…


	3. THe ever mysterious and yet nameless cha...

AIEE! GOMEN, gomen! It's been forever, it really has! Sessha is sorry… like always… I can never update on time anymore… sad, but true, de gozaru de… I do not own Ruroken, despite my numerous attempts to bribe Shishio-san into letting me borrow the Juppongatana……ALL FAILED! (sob) ; . ;

(Scene where Shishio and Kenshin are fighting, right before the infamous "iron supplements, or lack thereof on the part of Shishio-san moment…" (In other words, shoulder-biteage…biting…?)

Yumi: Shishio-sama, NOOOO! Houji, you know that he can't fight for any longer than 48.1932 seconds without either a cappuccino or a handful of iron supplements! There's no telling what could happen!

Houji: (Too busy reading YM to notice) ………………………What? Huh?

Shishio: (freaking out) IRON……….SUPPLEMENTS! CO—FFEE…! (takes a honkin' big chomp out of Kenshin's shoulder)

Kenshin: …really should've seen _that _coming… Oro, I mean, **_YYAAAAAAAAARGHHH!_**

Yumi: Shishio-san, wait! Your coffee!

Shishio: COFFEE! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (runs screaming off the set)

Kenshin: (Spyooing blood) Crispy-san is not the best director, de gozaru… Nobody called for a stunt double… the pain…

Sano: (despite the fact that Kenshin is spyooing blood (yes, I know the word is "spewing," I just like spyooing better… -.-") Don't worry, Kenshin… You'll be FINE…

Kenshin: I see——a light……

Sano: That would be the building collapsing in flames.

Houji: (breaks off with difficulty from his YM magazine for an instant) …HEY! _I'm _supposed to do that! Did one of you beat me to it? CURSE YOOOUUUUU! (Runs off side of building cackling maniacally)

Usui: (Runs in singing) THERE HE GOES! Da dee dum dee DA DEE DA dee da….

Yumi: 0.o

Sano: Umm… Usui…? You're kinda… dead now…

Usui: BAH, NONSENSE! (Continues singing, badly.)  
Kenshin: Crispy-dono! (cough gurgle choke, etc.) Say cut already! You're boring us all, except Sessha, who is dying in a bloody pool of… well, blood!

Crispy: Erm… OK then… (Evilly drags out moment 5 seconds longer by messing with your mind and diabolically forcing you to read this pointless, non-plot-developing parenthese thing…. HAHAHAHA!) ………………..Cut.

Saito: Sure, Crispy, fully ignore the fact that I killed Usui…

Crispy: Bleeurgh. Eat pie! (sticks out tongue)

Saito, Shishio, Kenshin, Sano, Yumi, etc. : Oro…? (Yumi: I _like_ pie…. ; . ;)

Shishio: **_NO! SHIT, SHIT! I (bleeeep)'in SAID ORO! SHIIIIIIIIIIITTT! _**

Crispy: You know, I should have had Chou the Evil Camera Person dude bleep out most of that…

Kenshin: And, that's why, kids, you should never drink coffee.

Yumi: Shame on you, Shishio-sama! How dare you try and raise the rating of this chapter even more…!

Shishio: … ; . ;

Aoshi, Sano, Usui, Saito: **_HAVE WE BEEN FORGOTTEN!_**

Crispy: …Well, for the most part, yes.

Kenshin: (Still spyooing blood) X . X WHEN IS THIS (BLEEEEEEP)'IN SCENE GOING TO **END!** (Crispy already said 'Cut,' de gozaru!)

Crispy: Just blame it on the aptly named, Chou the Evil Camera Person™.

Ayame Suzume: (Magically appear in Kyoto) Uncle Kenny made a swear! Uncle Kenny made a swear! Hey, Uncle Kenny? What was that word? What means 'Fu-

Crispy's well timed intervention: —DGE! (phew!) This scene is now officially… over! (waits impatiently for 5 seconds) CHOU! **CUT! _NOW!_** (Angry Kaoru eyes)

Kenshin: Reminds me of Tokyo, de gozaru…

Saito: (mumbling) Reminds me of _Tokio…_

(Next scene! (Finally, Chou fears my wrath just as much as everyone else… n.n") Anyways, in this scene, it is during the fight between Kenshin and Sojiro-kun. (Crispy-san is going backwards now…. -.- …and speaking in the third person…))

Sojiro: You _irritate_ me, Himura-san. …The fact that you don't drink coffee irritates me. In fact, it irritates me so much, I think I need a Frappuccino break. Hold on one second.

(Kenshin's wounds get dressed by Sano)

Kenshin: Somehow, I do not doubt that Sojiro needing a Frappuccino right at that instant was no coincidence. (Crispy-san rereads that last line. Did that just make any sense…?...No? Ah, typical.)

Yumi: How much longer are you going to keep getting free refills?  
Sojiro: Well, Yumi-san, Shukuchi-ing really takes a lot out of you, caffeine wise!

Sano: You know, I seriously think that Crispy-san is running out of ideas. Wouldn't you agree, majority of the people here?  
Unanimous reply from everybody: YES.

Crispy: Well, I'm **sorry** if I can't go around pleasing every rooster-headed, Sojiro-insulting, freeloading, loafing SLACKER I come across! (Launches on heated debate about how much Sano resembles a roadkill chicken she saw on the way to the bus stop…)

Unanimous reply from everybody: That's just mean.

Crispy: You're right… gomen… again…

Usui: That has a nice rhyme! I have to put that into my next big hit! (Starts singing again) YOU'RE THE BUSINESS SUIT OF MY HEART'S EYE!

Crispy: Ororororororororo….

Sojiro: I hear dead people… AND THEY'RE **_SINGING!_**

Kenshin: Ororo… (swirly eyes) Crispy-dono… cut? Kudasai?

Crispy: sigh… -.-"

(Scene where Saizuchi and Fuji are about to appear by the Aoi-ya…) (I almost typed Akabeko… CRISPY-SAN, LEARN THE CONTENT-.-")

Saizuchi: HAHA, Fuji, my unnaturally vertically savvy ally!

Crispy: What a title… oyveh…

Saizuchi: Silence, obsoletely obstreperous obstacle! We shall charismatically compliantly commence our absolute anarchial assault on that ingenuously ingeniously innocent-looking inn, and prove that… we are good.

Crispy: sigh… (rolls eyes)

Fuji: YAAAAARRRGH! (trips and falls as he walks, splitting the costume in half, revealing that he truly is…———————————————————————— (The suspense is killing you, isn't it…) A fat, middle aged guy named Edgar Rofnarkingjoneschewinggumingghamingtonsworth! (referred to from now on as Ernie)

Saizuchi: Egad! Egotistic enormously entrancing enigma! Fuji's a chubby Bohemian on stilts! You bad, bad man! You unruly, usurping, unbearable onion! (A/N: Don't ask…)

Fuji: BOHEMIAN? Try _Californian, _**Sazuccio!**

Juppongatana, Kenshingumi, Oniwabanshuu, etc.: **_ORO!_**

Crispy: Don't tell me… Saizuchi… You're… **Italian…?**

Saizuchi—uh, I mean, Sazuccio: ……

Houji: IT'S TRUE! I KNEW IT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(everyone throws eggnog, thumbtacks, powdered milk, toasted almonds, archaeology equipment, ballpoint pens, Créme Broulée, Velcro, and the Kona, Hawaii Hard Rock Café at Houji.) (How's _that _for random…? n.n)

Shishio: (mumbling) And to this day, nobody suspects… that the Battousai is Scandinavian!

Kenshin: **ORO?**

Shishio: Ha-**ha**, Battousai! I know your deepest darkest secrets… Mufufufufufufu….

Jin-e: HEY! That's **my** evil laugh! Don't **you **do that freaky jaw-unhingingly wide-open mouth thing…?

Shishio: HEY! I have a **cool **evil laugh!

Crispy: Back on topic people… we're losing the topic…(How did you even get to Tokyo…?)

Sojiro: (runs on set) I brought Frappuccinos! Vanilla and Prune!

All: **_YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!_**

Crispy: …Prune…? Euuuurgh….

Sazuccio: That'd be mine-a. Okey-Dokey!  
Mario: Stop talking like me! That's disturbing enough! (I shouldn't even _belong_ in this…)

(Mario gets attacked by the Florida Lego Patrol… (A/N: Does such a thing really exist…?)

Sojiro: Shishio-san… I got you a decaf…

Shishio: (eye twitches) YOU…**_WHAT…!_**

Sojiro: (sweatdrop) Heh… oro…problem… help?  
Crispy: Shishio-san… DEEEEEEEP BREAAATH…… Uh… here. Have a… cappuccino…

Yumi: How… original.

Usui: Cut it out with all the "…"s! They're impossible to read!

Crispy: For you, or everybody else?

Usui: …no comment…

Chou the Evil Camera Person™: This is friggin' retarded! How come I have to be the camera dude, and miss all the stupidity?  
Houji: (Very much in pain and covered in boo-boos) Stupidity is right… why do I never get any fangirls, like Seta, Himura, Sagara, or Shinomori… I'm only in my mid-40's!

Crispy: x.x Bleeuuch. Ew.

Various friends of Crispy, like Psycho Sword Lady-san, Alatril-san, and Anime-Freak 713-san: **GAAAA! KILL HOUJI! KILL, KILL!**

Houji: Damn.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Sojiro, Kenshin, Sano, Aoshi: Do you like, have a _problem_ with our first names!  
Houji: (much bloodied up and worse for the ware, and clad in almost as many bandages as Shishio-sama himself) **Q! Q! Q, q, q, q, Q, Q, Q! Q!**

Sojiro: …Houji-san has gone off the deep end of the pastry pool… either that, or he's learning how to type.

Kenshin: Oro…?  
Sano: That (Bleeeeeeeeep).

Aoshi: …………

Crispy: Much as I would find joining in the insanity amusing, I have one more thing to show you guys—lately, I've been playing this _awesome_ gameboy game called Golden Sun, and, wouldn't you know it, I named everybody after Rurouni Kenshin characters. Insanity and a bunch of hilarious quotes ensued. Quotes like, "Sojiro got a cocktail dress!" became surprisingly common, and I have some of the best and worst of them here: (I've altered the names back into their normal format, I had to "shorten" a few in the game to make them fit… (grumblegrumble)… Sojir and Shish… bad, bad…)

"Little Anji has fallen in the river!" –Kamatari

"Evil **_NEVER_** prevails!" –Shishio

"Shishio? Is it really you? You've grown so _tan…_" –Random person claiming to have known Shishio in his youth

"That Shishio seems to be a smart boy… I wish you could be more like Shishio, Chou." –Chou's "grandma."

"Megumi is such a nice girl. I wonder who Chou likes better, Megumi or Kamatari." –Chou's "grandpa."

(To Sojiro) "I hope you didn't get sick during your travels… Chou always eats too much… He always makes his mother worry." –Chou's "mom"

"Sojiro…" (smiles) –Sojiro's "mom"

"Sojiro got a cocktail dress. Sojiro gave the cocktail dress to Shishio." –random item collect

"Someone's in trouble! It's _only natural_ that he needs _our_ help!" –Shishio

"We have to save Kamatari!" –Chou

"Sojiro got Quick Boots!"! –Random item collect

"I won't permit you to lay a hand on Yumi!" –Shishio

"So… you believe that after all that, Yumi was strong enough to survive?" -Shishio

Crispy: OK, so a bunch of random geeky crap… Gomen… once more… (staying away from the "again" rhyme in case Usui is lurking nearby…

Usui: LURK……………………….**LURK!**

Crispy: You…. are really…. **really…_REALLY_**…. freaking me out.

Usui: n.n

Crispy: Oro…

-Till later... I guess... Crispy-san


End file.
